badboybarrister: fraud + sweat = fret..

Obviously along with impending doom, being trussed up with a wig and gown does wonders for one's mood in this weather. Add to that a healthy paunch, a large pile of briefs and a variety of hills and one quickly has either a 'bead-on' or a damp undercarriage. Nobody likes damp briefs...

When the air conditioning cuts out in the middle of a Crown Court trial - that's a week long fraud trial by the way - one's mood is obviously improved. Maybe Jack Straw forgot to feed the meter before he left? Ken Clarke obviously doesn't have any loose change.

Perhaps on Fridays the Bar could have a dress down policy? I quite fancy robustly cross-examining a copper whilst dressed in Bermuda shorts and flip-flops. Equally, to improve discipline they could make it like school e.g. If you forget your wig and gown you have to give your closing speech in your Y-fronts.

Anyway, fraud trials are like sticking pins in your eyes at the best of times. Looking like I have a sponge srapped under my armpits which is soaking through my shirt surely can only add to the excitement the jury are experiencing. With awesome foresight I only have a selection of pastel coloured tunic shirts clean at the moment as well. Hmm, light blue with royal blue sweat patches today or light purple with mauve patches?

If I can't be bothered cross-examining the defendant tomorrow I think I'll just unbutton my jacket. That'll teach him to run a trial.

PS - BBB thinks Ken Clarke could be the 'Susan Boyle' style 'big-personality' the Criminal Bar can embrace to drive up morale.

His plans include a new series called 'MoJ's Got Talent'. It used to be called 'The Lord Chancellor's Department Has Got Talent' but Charlie Falconer thought the title was a little cumbersome.

Previous winners include Vera Baird QC pole-dancing and Willy Bach eating twelve scotch-eggs in one sitting.

The new-series of 'The LSC Has Got Talent' has been cancelled. Repeats of Eldorado will now be shown instead.

(BBB has been on a rare holiday hence the gap in posting)

badboybarrister: election special

I believe lawyers generally shouldn't meddle in politics. That is of course unless the result of the election is potentially going to cost me several bottles of decent wine a week and lead to a substantially downgraded car and thus, in all likelihood, a substantially downgraded wife and mistress.

However as every other bugger will be commenting on it I thought I'd make a token effort for the sake of relevant blogging.

Essentially the choice for the Criminal Bar in particular is this:

Do we want to be buggered by the bloke we know or the new bloke?

Either way we are going to have to bend over and take one for the team in the name of austerity in public spending.

The proposed changes to the Criminal Justice System and to Legal Aid will inevitably be Civil Service led. To some extent it matters not who is in No.10.

As ever it is the well paid, faceless and grey-suited monkeys who will drive Criminal Justice policy. That is to say those fine men and women who never have seen, and never will see, the inside of a courtroom. That is unless and until they are charged with gross indecency or voyeurism.

Quite simply most Criminal Barristers will either have to buy a smaller house or sell their least promising child.

In passing, the total Legal Aid budget is around £2 billion a year. Government public spending is currently about £650 billion annually.

The MoJ (aka 'The Machine of Jihad') seeks to save the princely sum of £50 million a year from Barristers' fees via fresh cuts by way of what are termed efficiency savings. Sigh.

Just to put all that in context the UK's current national debt is about £900 billion with the interest on that sum in 2010 alone of about £40 billion. The NHS budget for 2010-11 is about £110 billion. The MoD budget for 2010-11 is about £37 billion.

So at least that sorts all that debt out then.

I'm off to join the circus. Or the CPS.

badboybarrister: opening speech

Ladies and Gentleman,

From this day forth I will undertake to bring to you the good, the bad and the downright filthy goings on of a life spent at the English Criminal Bar. From fee cuts to criminal hacks, dodgy punters to crusty Judges, bent coppers to bestiality and all the detritus that lurks in between.

I imagine when suitably oiled or even slightly provoked a variety of what are properly regarded as 'trade secrets' may flow from my lips. Undoubtedly, and when appropriate, these will be accompanied by suitable levels of exaggeration, hyperbole and plain old nonsense regarding this grand old and inevitably knackered profession.

The names have been changed to protect the very, very guilty. The choice of language and use of profanity is entirely my own work. The opinions expressed herein are also my own. Invariably they will be blatantly populist, self-serving and ill-informed.

But why, I hear you cry, why does My Learned Friend take the trouble to address us at such length?

Well, such is the level of discontent at the Criminal Bar today it seemed to me that the time had come for bravery. The time had come or a lone voice from the wilderness to cry "Enough!"

Such a voice would speak for truth. Such a voice would speak for justice. Such a voice would speak out against suffering and inequality in all its guises.

Sadly, I am not that voice.

I simply get annoyed by sweaty peadophiles in white socks and short trousers. I get annoyed by fat punters who would be too ugly to even get on Jeremy Kyle. I get annoyed at the thought of having to talk posh or having to roger a Judge senseless just to get on - or perhaps both at the same time.

So I just thought I'd share some of my thoughts with you.

Ill keep you posted.