badboybarrister: opening speech

Ladies and Gentleman,

From this day forth I will undertake to bring to you the good, the bad and the downright filthy goings on of a life spent at the English Criminal Bar. From fee cuts to criminal hacks, dodgy punters to crusty Judges, bent coppers to bestiality and all the detritus that lurks in between.

I imagine when suitably oiled or even slightly provoked a variety of what are properly regarded as 'trade secrets' may flow from my lips. Undoubtedly, and when appropriate, these will be accompanied by suitable levels of exaggeration, hyperbole and plain old nonsense regarding this grand old and inevitably knackered profession.

The names have been changed to protect the very, very guilty. The choice of language and use of profanity is entirely my own work. The opinions expressed herein are also my own. Invariably they will be blatantly populist, self-serving and ill-informed.

But why, I hear you cry, why does My Learned Friend take the trouble to address us at such length?

Well, such is the level of discontent at the Criminal Bar today it seemed to me that the time had come for bravery. The time had come or a lone voice from the wilderness to cry "Enough!"

Such a voice would speak for truth. Such a voice would speak for justice. Such a voice would speak out against suffering and inequality in all its guises.

Sadly, I am not that voice.

I simply get annoyed by sweaty peadophiles in white socks and short trousers. I get annoyed by fat punters who would be too ugly to even get on Jeremy Kyle. I get annoyed at the thought of having to talk posh or having to roger a Judge senseless just to get on - or perhaps both at the same time.

So I just thought I'd share some of my thoughts with you.

Ill keep you posted.